Why do I feel so tired!! It is a bit of a rhetorical question. I have only been back at uni for a week (properly) and I feel like I have been shoved in the deep end. Through searching for potential placements for my year out, perfecting my CV and having what seems like 20 books to read, I feel so behind in everything which is ridiculous. I have already missed one lecture and I am trying not to feel too guilty as I did catch up with the work, yet I feel like I have no time to myself.
Over the weekend I travelled to visit my nan, and it was really nice. She hasn’t been very well for a while and catching up with her was extremely comforting, especially to know that she is stable. The only problem was that it took an hour and a bit longer than it should have, so a few hours pop in meant that we didn’t get back until about 9pm! I tend to find travelling exhausting and stressful because I get bad travel anxiety and the motions drag it out of me.
I also worked on Sunday and Monday, as well as went to see Everything, Everything in London on Sunday night which was so great. They are such an amazing band to watch and genuinely sound better (if even possible) live than on album.
I also started trampolining which was great as it means that I have some sort of ‘control’ over my condition – I deal with the pains and fatigue afterwards, don’t get me wrong, but it is nice that I feel as though I can still do while I still sort of can, because that sporty side of me will always be there.
I have to be honest in that I have broken down tonight. I have felt like this week there have been so many demands for myself, my career, and from my peers though they don’t mean to at all. I don’t know how to keep up with it and I have been reminding myself that it is ok to feel this way – to be fair to myself, I have overworked, over-tired, and over done myself. And I carry a little bit more baggage than the average person so I can’t fault that!
I always remind myself it is ok and try not to feel guilty or wrong for these things because generally speaking, kicking myself when I know and I am accepting that I can’t help it is the worst thing I could do. I have kept up with what I can, despite any restrictions, I have done well. I am still finding my feet and getting into a routine and until then I will become more wary of what I can and can’t do as my restrictions are confused right now! I need to focus on stress and time management, working around a flexible routine, and organising my studies more.
I don’t want to moan because I have made memories and though I feel rubbish, I really do love my course and studying again feels really good. I am back with living with my boyfriend who just makes me feel 100% better generally, and I have some really great housemates in a lovely house that really is starting to feel like home.
I just miss that feeling of being ‘up together’ and feeling accomplished, does that make sense?? Like that hard working feeling whereby when you finish, you sigh and think it was so worth it. It seems like nowadays I hit a wall before I even get to that side and my productivity is slowly deteriorating. I don’t know – maybe I am too hard on myself.
Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.– Og Mandino