Sometimes it is all too much

I want to spread awareness about invisible illness but I can’t when I feel invisible myself.

An amazing accomplishment that I have done since being back at University – I started trampolining. And I didn’t start because of my illness. I have to be honest – I miss sports so much. I miss participating, being involved, being active. I am a sporty girl at heart and I can’t help that.

Sports and illnesses don’t go – I know that far already. But somehow in my head I will let that go just for the brief 20 minutes I bounce on the trampoline or even tumble for the first time in years like I did on Monday.

But why is it, these accomplishments, these things I am supposed to be so immensely proud of myself for, are being used against me? Firstly, in the form of pain – alongside Winter coming, I am having one of the worst days I have had in months. But also, in the form of believing.

I don’t ask for people to believe me. I don’t even justify myself if people don’t believe me. I rarely even tell people that I have anything at all. I have perfected my game face, perfected my discipline and perfected the idea that I can actually do it, and I will.

Why is it so hard to just accept. Understand. I don’t want sympathy. I just want someone to turn around, without having to explain myself, and just say ‘I know. Say no more. I get it’. I find this the most challenging because no matter how many times you try to explain why you can’t or why you feel like shit today compared to yesterday, people just expect you to be normal.

I know everyone has shit days and that everyone struggles. I know I have it so good and I am so blessed, honestly. If this is all I have to deal with in my life then I don’t mind. And I don’t want to be moaning all the time because this week started off amazing as I never thought I’d even be able to tumble again, ever.

But how can I say “you don’t have a clue” without it sounding as though I am competing for the harder life, when really I am not but it feels that way?

I just want someone to see that yes people struggle, and struggles come in different forms – mentally, physically, emotionally etc. Somehow my condition plays through all forms, but no-one takes the time to want to understand. I would love to be able to sit back and say of course, you know, I will do whatever. But it is getting to the point where I am constantly being reminded of how I am not able and how somedays I can’t and I feel more alone than ever.

Because they don’t see it. They don’t feel it. It is like there is this whole side of me that no-one sees and I am ok with that, but some days, I want people to see me and say “Look!!! I am struggling! Is this enough proof for you?!!?”

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