The end of my first Semester as a Second year has come and gone as quick as you can say Uni. The penultimate year of my degree has been somewhat confusing as I stumble into the realms of adulthood but I am still trying to hold onto that little part of me that feels cannot handle any responsibility, which, of course, is not true.
I am trying to find the time to apply for jobs (my degree requires a year placement) without having awkward breakdowns about how I feel about the situation. I am starting to admit how scary I am finding this whole experience, yet I can’t put my finger on why that may be. It may be the idea of working full-time as a Fibromyalgia sufferer, it may be that I do not really have the confidence I feel that I need to succeed, and quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what I really want to be doing. I just want to do well and learn and progress but there is always that side of me that wants to stay in my comfort zone.
Second year has been much different so far to First year. Work load, for sure, has been the predominant reason I say this. I find myself struggling to find time no matter how organised I am, yet, really, I am panicking over nothing. I am yet to find myself being one of those stereotypical live-in library students who kind of look like shit but in a hot-mess sort of way. I still just look a bit shitty with bad fake tan and a miserable face on, but yet, instead of going to the library, I go back to bed instead.
I think I was more prepared for this year. I seem to have remembered weird stuff like empty jars, water bottles and lighters that you don’t realise that you actually need. I also think that I knew what was coming, making it that little bit easier to come back.
I also prefer the idea of living in an actual house rather than halls. Halls was definitely my version of hell; the lack of privacy, the constant dirt, the annoyance of the flatmates that I barely even saw let alone spoke to. It is nice to actually be able to communicate with people and not want to ignore them. Similarly, it is nice to be clean and be able to feel as though I am that little bit safer in a homely room with all my favourite things around me.
Of course, it isn’t home, but I am definitely feeling less of the homesickness/loneliness that I really struggled with in first year. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my moments, yet somehow I know in my mind now that it is ok and home really isn’t that far away, and if I need to go back, I can. That thought in itself is simple and comforting but yet, it took me the best part of a year to figure it out on my own.