I initially started this blog to enable a conversation and because I find writing extremely therapeutic, particularly when I was being diagnosed with an invisible illness vs. juggling University – blogging was like my escape route. I feel like I’ve lost that side of blogging so here we are!
The past few weeks of 2017 have been stressful to say the least. From constant change within my job, and suffering a bit of an existential crisis, I know that I need a change. It is hard for me to admit things like that because I am very, very hard on myself. I feel almost like I’ve failed (but constantly reminded that I’ve been failed, rather than the other way round). My Type A, perfectionist, anxious personality means that I am so obsessed with over-achieving that I feel guilty that I have finally come to the end route of all of this change, and I have accepted the fact that I am not happy and need to move on, which has been a really hard defeat for me.
Out of context it is hard to interpret, I am sure. But in my mind I want to accomplish everything and be good at everything so quickly that I find it hard to take when I have to stop and think of myself. After all, I am missing the bigger picture. I am on a placement, I am not dedicated to this career but then, at the same time, this is the start of the rest of my life.
If I am not happy now, will I ever be?!?
Is this what the rest of my life looks like?
Of course not. But when I am within these thoughts and emotions it is hard to think straight, over-analysing everything that I am not good at and forgetting how I got here in the first place.
I have needed to take my own advice more than ever recently – it just goes to show, the most seemingly positive people in the world also have their demons. We all do. And that is ok, because we are all completely human with feelings and, sometimes, incredibly strong emotions too.
Never be fearful of feeling ‘weak’ or ‘vulnerable’ by admitting defeat – even to yourself!
I need a bloody holiday.
“But we have to learn to be free. We have to. Doesn’t mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It’s okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I’m relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn’t mean you stop living.”
― Jasinda Wilder,